I Am Spock
by M C Pehrson
Summary: "A Trek Redeux" Story #4: Now a student at Caltech, Spock makes a new friend and confronts his past.


Spock was giving an oral presentation in Caltech's astrophysics department when his attention settled upon a golden-haired vision in the second row. His heart began to pound strangely, and his voice faltered to a stop. He was quite sure that he had never seen her on campus before. In all his seventeen years, he had never felt so deeply moved by any female.

"Mr. Grayson?" prompted the professor.

Spock cleared his throat. Yet even as he turned his focus back on academic matters, a portion of his mind continued to analyze his reaction. Due to his Vulcan physiology, he carefully guarded against feelings of sexual attraction. How could a complete stranger shake him to his core?

His presentation on the theory of time travel ended. Still feeling uneasy, he went to a seat as far as possible from the lady in question. As he sat down, he checked the wrist phone that also monitored his body temperature. To his relief, all was normal. The aberration would pass. As soon as the day's classes were over, he would seek a private area in which to meditate and settle his mind.

It was well past the dinner hour when he finally returned to his dormitory room, hoping for a quiet evening of study. But the moment he arrived, his roommate rushed over and said, "Where have you been? You missed all the excitement!"

Spock's slanted brow rose as he glanced from his own tidy belongings, to Collin's disorderly side of the room. He saw nothing at all out of the ordinary.

"Ambassador Sarek was just here, in our dorm!"

Spock's hard-won peace vanished in a jolt of shock. "…Here?" he managed to ask. "In this room?"

Collin laughed. "No, silly, but they were taking him on a tour of student housing. He's looking the whole campus over. And tomorrow he's giving a speech about interplanetary diplomacy."

Drawing a deep breath, Spock felt his heart rate begin to subside. Of course, Sarek would not look for him here. Sarek had no interest in the halfling son he had disowned at age five. But Spock could not deny a natural interest his biological father.

oooo

The following day, Spock had difficulty concentrating on his lessons. Though he did not cross paths with the golden-haired coed, her lovely face lingered in his mind. And of course there was the other, even more disturbing matter of Ambassador Sarek.

A dozen times he had decide to avoid Beckman Auditorium, yet here he stood in its lobby, torn by indecision.

And suddenly _she_ was there. Directly in front of him, smiling in a way that showed her straight, white teeth.

"Aren't you going in?" she asked.

She was standing much too close. But finding his voice, he admitted, "I am…unsure."

Her sky blue eyes studied him. "I only thought that, being Vulcan…"

"I am only half Vulcan," he explained, as he had so many times before. "My mother is human and I have spent most of my life here on Earth." It was more than he meant to reveal, yet now it only seemed proper to introduce himself. "My name is Spock. Spock Grayson."

With a glance toward the nearest door, she held out her hand. "I'm Leila Kalomi. Are you coming?"

He found himself reaching for her. As their fingers touched, a heady burst of warm feelings swept from her mind into his. She liked him! She truly did!

They passed through the doorway together and found seats toward the rear of the crowded auditorium. There was ample time for Spock to question the wisdom of attending, but Miss Kalomi proved a welcome distraction as he awaited the appearance of his estranged father.

"I noticed you in the astrophysics department," he told her. "That is my major. Is it yours?"

"No, Botany…with a minor in Space Studies. One day, I'd like to help pioneer an agricultural colony."

"A worthy goal," he remarked.

"There's an interesting fellow named Elias Sandoval. I'd love to join one of his off-world ventures someday."

"I've heard of him," Spock said. "May you soon fulfill all your desires." _Desires?_ Embarrassed by the word's sexual implication, he quickly steered the conversation back to himself. "I share your off-world ambitions, and hope to enter Starfleet Academy at nineteen."

"Nineteen? How old are you?"

Before he could answer, Sarek was announced. A hush settled over the audience, then applause as the ambassador moved with great dignity to the podium. Spock leaned forward. At Sarek's very first word, that deep, familiar voice penetrated every defensive barrier. The early childhood memories, though distant, were still quite vivid — many of them painfully so. Sarek's stiff demeanor had not changed a bit, and those dark hawk-like eyes seemed colder than ever. Everything about Sarek sharply contrasted with Spock's stepfather, David McCoy, who was known for his acerbic humor and easy affection.

A sense of gratitude welled within Spock — toward his mother for escaping with him to Earth, and toward Doctor McCoy for accepting him as a son. Yet with the gratitude came a secret yearning to be acknowledged and appreciated by his real father. As he sat listening to Sarek's perfectly modulated speech, a strange and very frightening urge began to build. He saw himself standing up. He saw himself shouting for all to hear, _"I am Spock! I am the son you divorced, along with my mother! I will never forget the pain you caused us!"_

Fighting the terrible impulse, he rose abruptly and strode from the auditorium, into the night. He was nearing Dabney Gardens when he became aware of footsteps keeping pace behind him. Reaching the bank of a waterway, he stopped and turned around. A bright moon shone on Leila Kalomi's exquisite face.

"Spock, what happened?" she asked with deep concern. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," he lied. It was so much easier than telling the truth. And, after all, his relationship with Sarek S'chn T'gai was a strictly private matter.

"It's the ambassador," she pressed, "isn't it? You know him."

She was most perceptive. And all her sympathetic interest began to have an unwelcome effect. Spock stood silently struggling against a deep ache in his throat.

Leila Kalomi reached out, and as she touched his arm, he could feel a surge of tender concern. He had not wept since he was five. Would he now embarrass himself in front of this stranger? Yet somehow that term did not apply, for there was already a connection of sorts between them. How could it be?

Tears clouded his vision. As he bowed his head, her arms went around him.

oooo

She, too, was seventeen. Spock was in his second year of university courses, but Leila had just begun her higher education. That day when he first saw her at the Cahill Center for Astrophysics, she had been sitting in on his class for the sole purpose of watching the resident Vulcan student give his presentation. Aliens of all sorts intrigued her, but any interest in Spock quickly evolved beyond mere human curiosity. There was a natural affinity between them. Once Spock ceased worrying so much about Vulcan biological issues, he took more and more pleasure in her company. Touching and even kissing became commonplace means of expression.

Then, one unusually warm February day, he flew them out over the ocean in a rented skimmer. As the sun sank beneath the waves, he parked on a secluded beach. Holding hands, they walked in the gathering darkness, enjoying the salt air and each other's company. The first stars were appearing when they came upon a little cavern. Leila drew him inside, and as she pulled him close, there was no mistaking her intent. Spock needed little urging. There on the sand, they gave free rein to their passions.

Whether right or wrong, from that point on, he experienced a new sense of security. He was no longer adrift, waiting helplessly for a hormonal storm that could endanger others and lead to an early death. Leila loved him. He had even spoken of the Vulcan "time", and it had not frightened her. In the depths of his heart, he felt sure that she would welcome his embrace if that "time" ever came.

oooo

This year Spock had not looked forward to Spring Break, for it meant that he and Leila must part. While she returned to her family in Hawaii, he would travel back to Georgia for his stepbrother's wedding. As they shared a farewell kiss at the university transporter station, his whole being yearned for them to remain together…always. She had grown used to the pleasant mental contact that resulted from his touch. And though she already knew that he cherished her, he drew back and spoke the age-old words aloud.

"I love you."

Then he picked up his valise, centered himself on the transporter platform, and was on his way.

Mother met him at the Atlanta station. If she noticed any change in his demeanor, she gave no sign of it. Her mind was focused on the upcoming wedding.

"Honestly Spock," she complained, piloting her air car straight to a clothing store, "I wish you wouldn't have waited until the last minute. There's so much to do."

"This is hardly the last minute," he pointed out logically. "Leonard will not exchange his vows until tomorrow."

"Yes, _tomorrow_ ," she agreed with some asperity. "And since you're a groomsman, my dear, we need to make sure that your morning suit fits properly." She glanced toward him with a critical eye. "And we'd better get your hair cut, too."

Perhaps he _should_ have left Caltech a day earlier.

They arrived home with barely enough time for Spock to greet his father and the nervous groom before heading off to the wedding rehearsal, with dinner to follow. Spock had known Leonard's fiancé, Jocelyn, since his brother's high school days. Though there had been some talk of marriage, nothing had come of it until now. Spock assumed it was a matter of income. With Leonard now sharing their father's medical practice and taking occasional off-world assignments, there would be plenty of credits flowing. And from what he had seen of Jocelyn, she enjoyed making lavish purchases.

Some difficulty arose at the rehearsal. Leonard and Jocelyn suddenly disappeared behind closed doors, and as time stretched, their two families and the rest of the wedding party waited awkwardly. When the couple finally reappeared, the bride's face showed signs of tears and Leonard was out-of-sorts.

All through the rehearsal and restaurant meal, Spock's thoughts kept straying to Leila. The way her eyes warmed with love as she smiled at him, the pleasant lilt of her voice, and the simple joy of their bodies touching. With her gone, he felt as if a part of himself were missing. Was this an ordinary human response or the pull of a Vulcan's bonding center?

oooo

It was well past eleven and Spock's parents had just gone to bed. Leila was at dinner with her family in Hawaii. Feeling restless, Spock went out into the living room where a single candle flickered beneath Mother's ornate Easter icon. Mere canvas and paint, yet that very icon had triggered the final, fateful disagreement between Amanda and Sarek. Spock's stomach tightened as he relived the painful memories. Running from the house to escape their bitter argument, returning to find his mother weeping. And later that same day, fleeing from Vulcan with her.

After a moment, he donned a jacket and walked out into the night. Though it had not been his intention, he eventually came to the apartment complex where his brother now lived. Finding Leonard's lights on, he announced his presence at the door.

The door swung open. Leonard appeared in casual clothes, an alcoholic beverage in hand. "Well, well," he drawled more thickly than usual. "Isn't it past your bedtime?"

Spock knew better than to warn against overindulgence, so he merely asked, "Are you alone?"

"For perhaps the last time in my life. Come on in, Bro, and take a load off." When they had settled into separate chairs, Leonard slouched back and said, "So how's _your_ love life goin'?"

Since Spock had never before had a girlfriend, he knew the words were meant to be humorous. So it was with some satisfaction that he divulged, "I am seeing a singular young lady."

Leonard bolted upright. "You're jokin'! Aren't you?"

"She's a freshman at Caltech. We are…so well suited to one another that I, too, am…considering the possibility of marriage."

Leonard exploded. "Are you out of your Vulcan mind? What's the rush? You're not even out of college! And what about Starfleet? The academy won't accept you if you're married."

Spock sighed. "I am well aware of that fact. Nevertheless—"

"Oh, don't tell me. Not you, too. Extenuatin' circumstances, is that it?"

Momentarily confused, Spock said, "I am not sure what it is…that I should not tell you."

"Oh, for Pete's sake! Have you gotten her pregnant?"

Spock felt a blush spreading over his face. "Indeed not."

It was a physical impossibility, since Vulcans were only fertile during pon farr. Yet another well-guarded Vulcan secret, but now it seemed that Leonard and Jocelyn had a secret of their own. An unplanned pregnancy. Was that the cause of today's tension and tears? Did Jocelyn fear that Leonard was marrying her only because of a baby? Did Leonard suspect entrapment? Though it was improper to speculate, Spock could not help but wonder…and feel badly for his brother's marital concerns.

Emotions were complex, but one thing was clear. Whether or not Starfleet lay in his future, he and Leila would have to chart their own course. Rising, he declared, "I did not know of _your_ difficulties, brother. Of course, we will keep all of this to ourselves."

Leonard's jaw sank as he realized that he had revealed too much. Slowly nodding in agreement, he set down his drink and stood.

Spock extended his right hand. Combining a common human expresson with an equally common Vulcan counterpart, he said, "Best of luck on your marriage. May the two of you live long and prosper."

And without a single "wisecrack", Leonard shook hands.

oooOOooo


End file.
